One burning issue that kept coming up during my recent Radically Happy European tour concerned the coming holiday season. In the past, people looked forward to getting together with family and friends, eating and merry making their way through the festivities. But in today’s hyper-polarized world, there seems to be a lot of questions about how to negotiate table when your Uncle Bob is emphatically espousing his latest conspiracy theory.
Last year I wrote about how to prepare your mind and heart for the holidays, you can find it here. But what about in the moment that it all goes down? Sometimes in the heat of the moment it seems impossible to know how to respond when Auntie Anne sounds like they are saying something really intolerant and bigoted.
Even the most tricky, difficult and potentially divisive conversations are an opportunity to cultivate interconnected happiness. When we can do that we won’t get upset, and probably no one else will either. Here are three things we can do.
1. Be Like a Lion, Instead of a Dog
2. See Others as another you
3. Go to the toilet
1. Be like a Lion, instead of a dog
When you throw stones at a dog, it chases the stone. This is how we are with our thoughts and emotions. We chase every thought and emotion and play with, think about it, get into it. On the other hand, if you throw stones at a lion, he doesn’t care about the stones at all, he turns to look at where the stones come from.
We spend our whole life preoccupied with our stones—our thoughts and emotions. We never even look at the source of the thoughts and emotions, the mind itself, the awareness that knows the thoughts and emotions. So learning how to first not habitually chase our stones, and then to learn to look at the stone thrower.
So, try this Creating Space exercise—again and again. Become so familiar with feeling spacious that you don’t feel like you have to react when cousin Narcissistic Ned can’t stop bragging about what a stable genius he is. When you feel spacious, you will be far less likely to chase your negative thoughts and emotions like a dog chases stones. Instead be like a lion and watch the stone thrower, notice how your mind is—the mind is where thoughts and emotions arise from.
2. See Others as Another You
What is the key to being able to understand and meet the needs of others? It is realizing that we are all pretty much the same, just different permutations of human existence, each interacting with different circumstances. But still everyone wants to be happy and avoid suffering. The more you can identify with the basic commonality shared by all the myriad kinds of human existence, the easier it is to cultivate warm relations—the key to not reacting in the midst of holiday diners who say stuff that pushes your buttons. In order to do this it helps to consider how in many ways other people are just another you.
From Radically Happy: A User’s Guide to the Mind
Exchanging Yourself for Others
Think of someone you know who is suffering greatly. In the beginning, it’s probably easier if it is someone you are fond of, but it could be someone you heard about in the news whose situation really moved you.
Begin by creating space. Now imagine as much as possible how it would be if that suffering were yours. How would it feel to be going through that same misery? Consider how you would want people, including friends and family, to treat you. What would you most need from them?
Make this exercise as vivid and real as possible. Really imagine how it feels. How would you want to be helped and in what particular ways by those around you?
Then after a time, return to creating space or focusing on the breath.
Make the aspiration for everyone to be happy, to have the causes of happiness, and to be free from suffering and its causes.
When you consider the equality of all and mentally exchange yourself for others again and again, it becomes easier and easier to consider others as if they were another you.
Last month after leading a Radically Happy workshop, I attended a dinner hosted by the local group that was sponsoring my talks. At one end of the table, there was a heated discussion in German. Suddenly they switched to English, obviously they were looking for my input. They were arguing about the effects of immigration. The woman across the table from me started to tell me about how bad an effect immigration has been in the German city she just visited.
Rather than react, launching into my view, I showed my interest in what she was saying by asking a few gentle, probing questions: “What has changed in the city since the immigrants have started to come?”. She talked about feeling unsafe. I asked her what made her feel unsafe. She responded that there were so many men milling around the streets of the neighborhood, and the neighborhood used to be so quiet. I sympathized with her, “It must be difficult to adjust to so many changes in such a short amount of time.” Her body language relaxed. And she asked me about what I thought.
I wasn’t sure she liked my answer to her question. I said that as a consequence of my Buddhist practice, I felt an ethical responsibility to take refugees in from war torn nations. But at my talk two afternoons later she came up to me smiling and introduced my to the tall gentleman she was with, “I told my husband all about you and he came with me to your talk tonight!”. Although she was aware I had a different view of the migrants coming to Europe, she still came to my talk. I can’t help but think it was because I actually showed interest in her view, and waited until she asked me to give mine.
The main point, during the holidays, is to stick to the things you have in common, instead of looking for the things that make us different. In families and with old friends, there are certainly a few things everyone has in common. When you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes, it makes it easier to find common ground and respect for differences.
3. Go to the toilet
Even though you’ve tried everything, holiday events can still get out of hand—especially since alcohol is often involved. It’s important to keep checking in with yourself, how do you feel? How is your body responding to the situation? Is your chest getting tight? Is your heart rate going up?
If you notice you are starting to feel uncomfortable, try changing the conversation, bring out a new dish from the kitchen or play some music. If that doesn’t work, remember its going to be more fun for everyone (including you) if you preserve your relationships, rather than win arguments. You need an exit strategy. So get up and go to the toilet.
In the toilet, I promise you that no one will bother you. Everyone will think they know what your doing. And it’s ok to do that. But in addition, create space, feel your breath, and remember everyone is just another you.
Smile, enjoy your mind, eat something and don’t worry, it’s not going to last forever.
Happy Holidays!